Believe in Miracles

Hope is never lost. If those miracles do not come soon or fully or seemingly at all, remember the Savior's own anguished example: if the bitter cup does not pass, drink it and be strong, trusting in happier days ahead. -President Thomas S. Monson

I have been needing to write down Willow's journey to our family since it all started last October, 2013. But really her journey here started long before that. Little did I know a loving Heavenly Father was waiting to bless me and my family with a special gift. First he needed to gain my trust in him and have faith that he was in control of things. Unfortunately that lesson took a long time for me and a lot of anguish.  This is our Family's Journey to welcoming a miracle from my point of view, and how the Lord was refining, teaching, and preparing me for his blessings.

The paper work was approved the end of November 2012. We were in New York City for Thanksgiving, and got the call that everything was finished up and our profile was up on, itsaboutlove.org for potential birth moms to see. Each step the adoption process is like a roller coaster, you get on and brace yourself for the ride. The paperwork alone is so draining. When you finish, you get off, take a deep breathe, relax, and wait for approval. Then you get the call that everything is a go and jump right back on the roller coaster. You feel like your on a dating website and constantly check to see; how many views on your profile, what part of the profile they are looking at most to see if you can improve anything, how many people hit the contact link. I think I checked daily to see what kind of traffic was going on with our page. Although, despite checking a lot, it didn't seem to consume my thoughts as much. After all I was chasing around a two year old! My thoughts were also somewhere else. I was having a really hard time with depression and anxiety that just kept getting worse and worse. More and more time just kept going by with not hearing from anyone. This among many other things were sending me spiraling. On top of that, we kept hearing things about the church discontinuing the Adoption program. When we got word that our office was not going to be doing home studies anymore, I started to loose a lot of faith. No home studies means, no more renewing our profile. Means, getting sent to other agencies and if you can't afford that, then the it was time to get off the ride. Every month down with out any word was getting to hard to bear. We had until the end of November 2012 to be picked by a birth mom or we were done and wouldn't be able to start the process again for a very long time, due to it being so expensive. I kept thinking and telling Lance, why did we even start this process!? I was angry because at that point, nothing was looking good for us. Lance with the strong faith that he has kept reminding me, it wasn't for nothing, whether the outcome was good or bad. We could learn something from it. It started taking over my thoughts. It broke my heart to think that there was going to be so much time between Mason and his next sibling. I started having panic attacks daily. Why wasn't I aloud to have a baby? What was God trying to teach me? Why did I have to have this messed up body that could't bear children of it's own? Why was I so broken? This is the first time in the last 10 years that I ever grieved the fact that, I had that blessing taken away from me. It wasn't fair. It was hard to except and see things clearly, I was very sick. Being mentally sick is by far much harder then being struck with a life threatening illness, and that wasn't easy either. As our year was coming in on us, we needed to decide what our plan was. Were we just going to be done or try elsewhere? The only way I was going to be able to keep going was to tell myself, I didn't want another baby. I was fine with just Mason. I started to talk myself into it and started to believe it. It felt good to start letting go of things. Things were starting to look up again, and I was starting to get on a better path.

In October of 2013, I decided I was OK with completely letting go of the dream of having a sweet baby in my arms. I had been holding on to a few things for the next baby so we wouldn't have to re-buy them. It was time to let it go. I sent out an email to our ward relief society mailing list, to get rid of everything. It actually felt very freeing, like this huge weight was being lifted off my shoulder.

On October 26, 2013 things changed. The email we had been waiting for for almost a year came.

hi my name is kelli i am single and about 13 weeks pregnant and have chosen to have my baby adopted and really like your message that you have on itsabout love.org i would really love to know more about what kind of things you are will to have with an open adoption

This came a few weeks before our profile was to be taken down, and one week after I had given everything away.  I was in shock and udder disbelief. I showed Lance laughing saying, ummmmm so we got an email. I was like, so what do we do!? I had written this off. Now was the next roller coaster.     

Gratitude and Cancer

Those are two words you usually wouldn't find in the same sentence together, but I find them a lot in my vocabulary together.

Right around this time every year, I look at a calendar and check off another year from diagnosis of a Synovial Sarcoma. A rare tumor that doesn't usually have the greatest of outcomes. But this year cancer and gratitude has come up a lot in my mind. It's no secret and I'm certainly not shy about the fact that I hit a really rough patch of depression and anxiety. It was a terrible place to be, with irrational scary thoughts going through my mind that I didn't feel like I had any control over. Thoughts like, my family doesn't deserve to go through this, they would be better off with out me or I just want to go away and thinking about how that would happen, whether it was ending my life or just disappearing by myself. The thought of leaving my sweet Mason was to much to bear. That boy saved my life. As I kept looking at this time in my life and my life 10 years ago, I can't help but wonder what the difference was. Why was it that I could be diagnosed with a life threatening disease, where doctors didn't have much hope for me and yet be so; at peace, full of faith, comforted, have gratitude, and oddly enough happiness? I'm just starting to realize that it was gratitude all along. But why was it so easy back then? It wasn't even something I had to think twice about 11 years ago. It came natural. I look at that girl from 11 years ago and I envy her, I want so desperately to be like her. It has caused me to reflect on that time in my life and study it, to learn from it. Who knows maybe it was an experience to help get me through something like this and to dig deeper then just having it come on its own. Although there are many reasons why, I know in my heart Heavenly Father have me that challenge. Why has it been so hard to pull myself out of despair and find gratitude for the things I have and the way, I'm blessed daily? We had a lesson in Gratitude in Relief Society that has really consumed my thoughts. I realize and know that the key through getting through this is gratitude and finding those simple things every day that I'm grateful for. It had been easier said then done, but I won't let it deter me. I still have really hard days but in those hard days I am finding sweet little moments and blessings. I need to hold on to those, and write them down so it becomes more engrained into my mind. It might take a while before I really start to "feel" the gratitude in my heart instead of just being something I'm saying. I have a small inkling of those feelings swelling in my heart and I hope I can continue to foster them.

So for today I have gratitude in my heart for a disease that could have easily taken me from this world.


- Dani, Lance, Mason

Count Your Blessings

Today, I am feeling incredibly blessed and know that Heavenly Father is looking out for me and my family.
My therapist has kept urging me to start a grateful journal so that I can have some good things to focus on daily. I have been ridiculously lazy, but today I have to give thanks.
Struggling with major depression and anxiety has taken a major toll on my family and I. Things are finally starting to look up. Before I didn't think I was ever going to feel happy or at peace ever again. I'm now seeing a little light at the end of the tunnel. I know I'm not out of the woods yet, and that their will still be hard days but I have hope now. I didn't have that before.
I was starting to get nervous about Lances OBGYN rotation coming up. It was going to be in Salem which is about 35-40 minutes driving. He would've had to have left probably around 3:30-4:00 am every morning, 6 days a week. He wouldn't be leaving the hospital till very late. This concerned me for so many reasons. I was worried about Lance driving that far on so little sleep. Lance doesn't do well driving if he's tired. The gas was really going to hurt us. I was concerned about not having a car for 6 weeks. I don't do well if I am stuck with no car. I feel trapped. I was worried because I just started to get better and knew that with Lance being gone so much, I would have a hard time. I was terrified that I would take 10 steps back for every 1 step forward.
With all of these things being concerns of mine, Heavenly Father has calmed those fears. Last week my visiting teacher and friend told me they had a car that they have been trying to sell. She is going to let me use her car and take the for sale sign down for as long as I need it. This was a HUGE burden lifted off my shoulders. The blessings continue with people offering their help with whatever I may need during this hard time. Today Lance received an email saying the hospital in Salem does not have a place for him. He will now be doing his rotation at Lahey Clinic in Burlington. Burlington is only 10-15 minutes away. I couldn't believe it. I feel so blessed and know we are being taken care of!
It won't be an easy rotation for Lance. This hospital has a reputation for being extremely hard on the students. They are also very tough on their grading. While all of these things may be trying for Lance, we can't have everything. We will take it.
I'm going to continue to count my blessings!
- Dani, Lance, Mason

Happy Birthday My Sweet Boy

My sweet little boy turned 3 today.
Mason I can't say enough about you. You are my little angel that keeps me going. Literally. Every morning I hear, come on mommy your all done sleeping. He then proceeds to pull my blankets off me. If it wasn't for that I would be in my bed all day not wanting to face the world. I love how you love. You have more empathy and sympathy way beyond your years. Your always wiping away my tears, and rubbing my arm or cheek saying, "It's ok mommy. Don't be sad, I love you so much.". You have that love for everyone and everything. Whether its an animal, toy or human.
I love how you call every grown up Mom or Dad. I love that you will cuddle up to anybody and give them some of the love you give me everyday. I love that sweet little voice of yours but most of all that contagious giggle. Please never loose that and keep laughing.
I love your ability to light up a room with your comedic ways. You make me laugh all day. The best part is that you know your funny stuff. I don't know where you get the material you do but it is a gift. Use it wisely. Never to hurt or make fun. Use it to brighten someone's day like you do now. Use it for good.
I could go on and on about the things I love about you. Your no longer a little baby, you have turned into a boy. I couldn't ask for a more perfect fit for our family. God truly had a hand in you finding your way to us. Happy Birthday Sweet Boy!



- Mommy and Daddy

Swimming with Fishies

Let me just paint you a picture of our day.
I had invited everyone over for dinner. Cami's Family, Dickey Parentals, Laura's Family, and the next door neighbors. My apartment is very small about 620 sq feet. So that's a lot of people for such a small place. The though came to my mind, Danielle you better take your anti anxiety before everyone comes over.
So everyone came and things were great. Food was delicious and we decided the adults would eat first since the kids food wasn't ready yet and they were playing.
We all are grabbing our food, eating, talking, and enjoying some grown up time. Now something you must know is that right now while I'm a little mentally messed up my senses are super heightened. Above the crowd of socializing adults I hear splashing. I knew immediately this was not good. I peaked in Masons room (and now I sooo desperately wish I had a camera to catch this in action) and this is what I saw:
Ivy standing on the book shelf creating monstrous waves splashing as fiercely as possible. Maia standing below the fish tank basking in the waves being splashed upon her.
Mason was not seen but I knew he was in there splashing to cause I could hear another set of hands going to town. I didn't dare look in any further for fear of how I would react to this madness! I started yelling at Lance,"Lance!!! Water, this is not ok!!!!" To me it felt like he took forever to respond and get the situation under control. As soon as Lance entered the room they took one look at him and splashed harder and with more fierceness. Lance removed both Ivy and Mason from the shelf and tried to make sense of what happened. Ivy kept saying over and over, "but it was Masons idea. He told me too! ". Pretty much it was like Masons room had just been through a flood. There was not one single thing spared. All the kids had all my nice heals out and they were all soaked, all of Masons books, toys, carpet, EVERYTHING! Not to mention it looked like the kids had a bath in their clothes. To top it all off my lovely child was found slurping up the fishy water off the bookshelf. SICK! Everyone started grabbing towels and tried to save the books and puzzles. We had a good drying crew! This was just one little cubby of books. Tim and Myles did a great job!



We got everything as dry as possible and hope the carpet drys before we get another really humid day. All in all the fish survived all though a little traumatized. We only lost a gallon of water and Ivy was really ticked she had to wear Masons clothes. My therapist told me I should start writing a gratitude journal and today I was grateful that I was inspired to take my medicine and best of all grateful I am able to laugh about all the madness(except for when I noticed my $120 leather shoes soaked with puddles in them). Don't worry the shoes survived, as well as the kids!



- Dani, Lance, Mason